It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
Well, where is he?
Hmm... hmm.
Well, what is it, dear?
It's from the bbc.
They want to know if I want to be in a sketch on telly.
Ooh, that's nice.
Why, it's acting, isn't it?
Yes.
Well, I'm a plumber.
I can't act.
Oh, you never know till you try.
Look at mrs. brando's son next door.
He was mending the fridge when they came
And asked him to be the wild one.
What do they want you to do?
Well, they just want me to stand at a counter
And when the sketch starts, I'll go out.
Oh, that sounds nice.
That's what they call a walk-on.
Walk-on?
That's a walk-off, that's what this is.
Where is he, georgie?
He should have been here hours ago.
He bloody should have been.
What else did it say?
It just says
"we would like you to be in a sketch.
"you are standing at a counter.
"when the sketch starts, you go off.
Yours faithfully, lord hill."
Oh, well, you better be off, then.
Well, what about the cat?
Oh, I'll look after the cat.
Goodness me, mrs. newman's oldest
Never worried about the cat
When he went off to do the sweet bird of youth.
All right, then, all right.
Bye-bye, dear.
Bye-bye, and mind you, don't get seduced.
It'll make a change from plumbing.
Dad, frank's got a television part.
You missed him.
Good morning.
I'm a bank robber.
Uh, please don't panic.
Just hand over all your money.
This is a lingerie shop, sir.
Fine, fine.
Fine.
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Motto of the round table.
Well, um...
What have you got?
Uh, we've got corsets, stockings, suspender belts
Tights, bras, slips, petticoats
Knickers, socks and garters, sir.
Fine, fine.
Um... no large piles of money in safes?
No, sir.
No deposit accounts?
No, sir.
No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags?
None at all, sir.
No luncheon vouchers?
No, sir.
Fine, fine.
Well, um...
Adopt, adapt and improve.
Just a pair of knickers then, please.
Well, that was a bit of fun, wasn't it?
And a special good evening to you.
Not just an ordinary good evening
Like you get from all the other announcers
But a special good evening from me...
To you.
Well, what have we got next?
This is fun, isn't it?
Look, I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything
That any of you may be doing at home
But I want you to think of me as an old queen...
Friend.
Well, let's see what we've got next.
In a few moments, it's a tree
And in the chair as usual is arthur tree
And starring in the show
Will be a host of star guests as his star guests.
And then at 9:30, we've got another rollicking half hour
Of laughter-packed squalor
With yes, it's the sewage farm attendants.
And this week, dan falls into a vat of human dung
With hilarious consequences.
But now it's the glittering world of show business
With arthur tree.
Hello, hello, people, and welcome to it's a tree.
We have some really exciting guests for you this evening--
A fabulous spruce back from a tour of holland;
Three gum trees
Making their first appearance in this country;
Scots pine and the conifers; and elm tree bole--
There you go, can't be bad--
An exciting new american plank;
A rain forest and a bucket of sawdust
Giving their views on teenage violence;
And an unusual guest for this program--
A piece of laminated plastic.
Hi there.
But first, will you please, please welcome
A block of wood.
Well, block, nice to have you on the show again.
Well, uh, thanks, tree.
I got to pay the rent.
Super.
Well, what have you been doing, block?
Well, I've just been starring
In several major multimillion- dollar international films
And during breaks on the set, I've been designing a cathedral
Doing wonderful unpublicized work for charity
Uh, finishing my history of the world, of course
Pulling the birds...
Oh!
Uh, photographing royalty on the loo
Averting world war iii-- can't be bad-- and, uh...
Learning to read.
The full renaissance bit, really.
Super, super.
Well, I've got to stop you there, block, I'm afraid
Because we've got someone
Who's been doing cabaret in the new forest.
From america, will you welcome, please
A chippendale writing desk.
Thank you, mr. tree.
I'd now like to do a few impersonations
Of some of my favorite englishmen.
First off, long john sliver.
Arg, jim boy, arg, arg.
And now, edward heath.
Hello, sailor.
Now, a short scene from a play by harold splinter.
Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen?
But wait a minute.
We've got something else I just know you're going to love.
Yes, sir, coming right up
The vocational guidance counselor sketch.
Vocational guidance counselor
Vocational guidance counselor.
Ah, mr. anchovy.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
Take the weight off the feet, eh?
Yes, yes.
Lovely weather
For the time of year, I must say.
Enough of this gay banter.
And now, mr. anchovy
You asked us to advise you
Which job in life
You were best suited for.
That is correct, yes.
Well, I now have the results here of the interviews
And the aptitude tests that you took last week
And from them, we've built up a pretty clear picture
Of the sort of person that you are
And I think I can say without fear of contradiction
That the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.
But I am a chartered accountant.
Jolly good.
Well, back to the office with you, then.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
I've been a chartered accountant for the last 20 years.
I want a new job-- something exciting that will let me live.
Well, chartered accountancy's rather exciting, isn't it?
Exciting?!
No, it's not!
It's dull, dull, dull.
My god, it's dull.
It's so desperately dull and tedious
And stuffy and boring and desperately dull.
Well, uh, yes, mr. anchovy
But you see, your report here says
That you are an extremely dull person.
You see, our experts describe you
As an appallingly dull fellow
Unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative
Spineless, easily dominated
No sense of humor, tedious company
And irrepressibly drab and awful.
And whereas in most professions
These would be considerable drawbacks
In chartered accountancy, they're a positive boon.
But you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life
A new meaning to my existence.
Can't you help me?
Well, do you have any idea
Of what you want to do?
Yes, yes, I have.
What?
Lion taming.
Yes, yes, of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it?
I mean, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go.
You don't think it might be better
If you worked your way towards lion taming
Say, via banking or...
No! no, no, no, no, no!
I don't want to wait.
At 9:00 tomorrow
I want to be in there taming.
Fine, fine, but do you...
Do you have any qualifications?
Yes, I've got a hat.
A hat?
Yes, a hat, a lion taming hat.
A hat with "lion tamer" on it.
I got it at harrods.
And it lights up, saying "lion tamer"
In great, big neon letters
So you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.
I see, I see.
And you can claim reasonable wear and tear--
Switch it off during the daytime--
As allowable professional expenses...
Yes, yes, yes
I do follow the strategy, but you see, the snag is
If I now call mr. chipperfield and say to him
"look here, I've got
"a 45-year-old chartered accountant with me
Who wants to become a lion tamer"
His first question is not going to be
"does he have his own hat?"
He's going to ask
What sort of experience you've had with lions.
Well, I've seen them at the zoo.
Good, good, good.
Yes, they're brown, furry things
With short, stumpy legs and great, long noses.
I don't know what all the fuss is about.
I could tame one of those.
They look pretty tame to start with.
And these, um, these lions, how high are they?
Well, they're about so high, you know.
They don't frighten me at all.
Really?
And do these lions eat ants?
Yes, that's right.
Uh, well, mr. anchovy
I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater.
A what?
An anteater, not a lion.
You see, a lion is a huge, savage beast
About five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about 400 pounds
Running 40 miles an hour with masses of sharp, pointed teeth
And nasty, long, razor-sharp claws
That could rip your belly open
Before you could say "eric robinson."
And they look like this.
Time enough, I think, for a piece of wood.
The larch.
Now, shall I call mr. chipperfield?
Uh, no, no, no, no.
I think your idea
Of making the transition to lion taming
Via easy stages, say, via insurance or...
Banking.
Or banking, banking, yes, banking.
That's a man's life, isn't it?
Banking-- travel, excitement, adventure
Thrills, decisions affecting people's lives.
Jolly good.
Shall I put you
In touch with the bank?
Yes...
No, no, no.
Look, it's a big decision.
I'd like just a couple of weeks
To think about it, you know?
Don't want to jump into it too quickly.
Maybe three weeks.
I could let you know definitely then.
Well, this is just one of the all-too-many cases
On our books of chartered accountancy.
The only way that we can fight
This terrible, debilitating social disease
Is by informing the general public of its consequences
By showing young people...
Perhaps I could do it, just for a bit...
That it's just not worth it.
So please, give generously to this address:
Oh!
Well, that was fun, wasn't it?
No, it wasn't, you fairy.
Oh, hello, sailor.
Here, you wouldn't have got on one of our voyages.
They were all dead butch.
Mmm, that's not what I've heard.
There is an epic quality about the sea
Which has throughout history
Stirred the hearts and minds of englishmen of all nations.
Sir francis drake, captain webb, nelson of trafalgar
And scott of the antarctic
All rose to the challenge of the mighty ocean.
And today, another englishman may add his name
To the golden roll of history: mr. ron obvious of neaps end
For today, ron obvious hopes to be the first man
To jump the channel.
Ron, now, let's just get this quite clear--
You're intending to jump across the english channel.
Oh, yes, that is correct, yes.
And just how far is that?
Oh, well, it's 26 miles from here to calais.
That's to the beach at calais?
Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift-off
And maybe a gust of breeze over the french coast
I shall be jumping into the center of calais itself.
Are you using any special techniques
To jump this great distance?
Oh, no, no.
I shall be using
An ordinary two-footed jump
Straight up in the air
And across the channel.
I see.
Ron, what is the furthest distance
That you've jumped so far?
Oh, uh, 11 foot, six inches at motspur park on july 22.
But I have done nearly 12 feet unofficially.
I see, uh... ron, ron, aren't you worried
Ron, aren't you worried jumping 26 miles across the sea?
Oh, no, no, no.
It is, in fact, easier
To jump over sea than over dry land.
Well, how is that?
Well, my manager explained it to me.
You see, if you're five miles out
Over the english channel
With nothing but sea underneath you
There is a very great impetus
To stay in the air.
I see, well, uh, thank you very much, ron
And the very best of luck.
Thank you, thank you.
The man behind ron's cross-channel jump
Is his manager, mr. luigi vercotti.
Mr. vercotti... mr. vercotti.
Mr. vercotti.
What?
Mr. vercotti...
I don't know what you're talking about.
Uh, no, we're from the bbc, mr. vercotti.
Who?
The bbc.
Oh, oh, I see.
I thought... I thought you were the, um...
I like the police a lot.
I've got lots of time for them.
Well, uh, mr. vercotti
What is your chief task as ron's manager?
Well, my main task
Is to fix a sponsor for the big jump.
And who is the sponsor?
The chippenham brick company.
They pay all the bills, in return for which
Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks.
I see.
Well, it looks as if ron is ready now.
He's got the bricks.
He's had his passport checked and he's all set to go.
And he's off on the first-ever cross-channel jump.
Will ron be trying the cross-channel jump again soon?
No, no, I'm taking him off the jumps
Because I've got something lined up for ron next week
That I think is very much more up his street.
What's that?
Ron is going to eat chichester cathedral.
Well, there he goes, ron obvious of neaps end
In an attempt which could make him
The first man ever to eat an entire anglican cathedral.
Well, uh, I think, david
This is something
Which ron and i are really keen on.
Ron is going to tunnel
From godalming here to java here.
Java.
Yeah, I personally think this is going to make ron
A household name overnight.
And how far has he got?
Well, he's quite far now, dave,
Uh, well on the way.
Well on the way, yeah.
Well, where is he, exactly?
Yeah.
Where?
Oh, well, um, you know
It's difficult to say, exactly.
He's, you know, in the area
Of, um...
Ron, how far have you got?
Oh, about two foot, six, mr. vercotti.
Yeah, well, keep digging, lad, keep digging.
Mr. vercotti, are you sure there isn't a spade?
Uh, mr. vercotti, what do you say to people
Who accuse you of exploiting ron
For your own purposes?
Well, that's totally untrue, david.
Ever since I left sicily
I've been trying to do the best for ron.
I know what ron wants to do
I believe in him
And I'm just trying to create
The opportunities for ron
To do the kind of things he wants to do.
And what's he going to do today?
He's going to split a railway carriage
With his nose.
The only difficult bit for ron
Is getting out of earth's atmosphere.
Once he's in orbit, he'll be able to run straight to mercury.
I am now extremely hopeful
That ron will break the world record
For remaining underground.
He's a wonderful boy, this
And he's got this really enormous talent
This really huge talent.
That's a bit sad, isn't it?
Shh, it's satire.
No, it isn't, it's just zany madcap humor.
Oh, is it?
Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.
Certainly, sir.
Got a lovely terrier.
No, I want a cat, really.
Oh, yeah.
How about that?
Well, that's the terrier.
Well, it's as near as dammit.
Well, what do you mean?-- I want a cat.
Listen, tell you what.
I'll file his legs down a bit, take his snout off
Stick a few wires through his cheeks
There you are, lovely pussycat.
It's not a proper cat.
What do you mean?
He wouldn't meow.
Well, it would howl a bit.
No, no, no, no.
Have you got a parrot?
I'm afraid not, actually, guv, we're fresh out of parrots.
Tell you what, though, I'll lop its back legs off, make good
Strip the fur, stick a couple of wings on
And staple on a beak of your own choice.
No problem, lovely parrot.
How long would that take?
Oh, let me see
Stripping the fur off, no legs...
Harry?
Yeah.
Can you do a parrot job on this, uh
Can you do a parrot job on this terrier straight away?
No, I'm still putting a tuck in the airedale
And then I've got the frogs to let out.
Friday?
No, I need it for tomorrow; it's a present.
Oh, dear, it's a long job, you see, parrot conversion.
Uh, tell you what, though, for free
Terriers make lovely fish.
I mean, I would do that for you straight away.
Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe
Through the back of its neck
So he can breathe
A bit of gold paint. make good.
You'd need a very big tank.
It's a great conversation piece.
Yeah, all right, all right.
But... only if I can watch.
Oh, I thought that was a bit predictable.
It's been done before.
Yeah, we did it for caesar's christmas show.
No, you didn't.
You did jackand the beanstalk.
Here, what was that picture?
Shh... next.
Good morning... mr. phipps?
That's right, yes.
Um, do take a seat.
Right, sir.
Now, could you tell us, roughly
Why you want to become a librarian?
Well, I've had a certain amount of experience
Running a library at school.
Yes, yes, what sort of experience?
Well, for a time I ran the upper science library.
Yes, yes.
Now, mr. phipps, of course you do realize
That the post of librarian carries with it
Certain very important responsibilities.
I mean, there's the selection of books
The record library and the art gallery.
Now, it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is
Your lack of professional experience
Coupled with the fact that being a gorilla
You would tend to frighten people.
Uh, is he a gorilla?
Yes, he is.
Why doesn't it say on his form
That he's a gorilla?
Well, you see
Applicants are not required to fill in their species.
What was that picture?
Shh!
Mr. phipps, what is your attitude
Towards censorship in the public library?
How do you mean, sir?
Well, I mean for instance
Would you stock last exit to brooklyn or groupie?
Yes, I think so.
Good.
Yes, well, that seems to be very sensible, mr. phipps.
I can't pretend that this library
Hasn't had its difficulties.
Mr. robertson-- your predecessor--
An excellent librarian, savaged three people last week
And had to be destroyed.
I'm sorry, sir.
Oh, no, don't be sorry.
You see, I don't believe
That libraries should be drab places
Where people sit in silence
And that's been the main reason
For our policy of employing
Wild animals as librarians.
And also they're much more permissive.
Pumas keep hank janson on open shelves.
Yes, mr. phipps.
Mr. phipps, I love seeing the customers
When they come in to complain
About some book being damaged
And ask to see the chief librarian
And then you should see their faces
When the proud beast leaps from his tiny office
Snatches the book from their hands and sinks his fangs
Into their soft...
Mr. phipps-- kong--
You can be our next librarian.
You're proud, majestic and fierce enough.
Will you do it?
I don't think I can, sir.
Why not?
I'm not really a gorilla.
I'm a librarian in a skin.
Why this deception?
Well, they said it would be
The best way to get a job.
Get out, mr. librarian phipps
Seeing as you're not a gorilla
But only dressed up as one
Trying to deceive us
In order to further your career!
Next?
Ah, mr. pattinson, sit!
"dear mirror view
"I would like to be paid five guineas
"for saying something stupid about a television show.
Yours sincerely, mrs. sybil agro."
"dear david jacobs, east grinstead, friday.
"why should I have to pay 64 guineas each year
"for my television license when I can buy one for six?
"yours, sincerely, captain r.h. pretty.
"p.s.-- support rhodesia, cut motor taxes
Save the argylls, running-in please pass."
"dear old codgers
"some friends of mine and i have formed a consortium
"and, working with sophisticated drilling equipment
"we have discovered extensive nickel deposits
"off western scotland.
The cincinnati mining company."
"good for you, ma'am!"
"dear old codgers
"I am president of the united states of america.
Yours truly, r.m. nixon."
"phew! bet that's a job and a half, ma'am."
"dear sir, I am over 3,000 years old
And would like to see any scene with two people in bed."
"bet that's a link, ma'am."
Vera, vera, darling!
Wake up, my little lemon.
Come to my arms.
Oh, maurice, what are you doing here?
I could not keep away from you.
I must have you all the time.
Oh, this is most inconvenient.
Don't talk to me about convenience.
Love consumes my naughty mind.
I'm delirious with desire.
What's that, vera?
Oh, uh, nothing, dear
Just a trick of the light.
Righto.
Phew, that was close!
Now, then, my little banana
My little fruit salad.
I can wait for you no longer.
You must be mine, utterly.
Oh, maurice.
Vera!
How dare you!
Roger!
What's the meaning of this?
Oh, I can explain everything, my darling.
Who's this?
This is maurice zatapathique, roger thompson.
Roger thompson, maurice zatapathique.
How do you do?
How could you do this to me, vera
After all we've been through?
Damn it, I love you.
Vera, don't you understand?
It's me that loves you.
What's happening, vera?
Oh, nothing, dear.
Just a twig brushing against the window.
Righto!
Come to me, vera.
Oh, not now, roger.
Vera, my little hedgehog
Don't turn me away.
Oh, it cannot be, maurice.
Hands off, you filthy bally froggie.
Oh, ken, ken biggles!
Yes, algy is here as well.
Algy braithwaite?
That's right, vera.
Oh, god, you know
We both still bally love you.
Oh, biggles!
Algy!
Oh, but how wonderful!
What's happening, vera?
Oh, nothing, dear, just the toilet filling up.
Righto!
Excuse me, could you tell me
Where is mrs. vera jackson, please?
Yes, right and right again.
muchas gracias.
Righto!
Oh, vera
Remember acapulco in the springtime.
Oh, the herman rodrigues four!
Vera! I distinctly heard
A mexican rhythm combo.
Oh, no, dear, it was just
The electric blanket switching off.
Oh... well, I'm going for a tinkle.
No, you can't do that.
Here, we haven't finished the sketch yet!
Dash it all
There's only another bally page.
I say, there's no one to react to.
Don't talk to the camera.
Oh, sorry.
It's no good you coming in.
He's gone and left the sketch.
Yes, he went for a tinkle.
Ooh.
Shh...
I think my wife is beginning
To suspect something.
I felt that ending was a bit predictable.
Yes, indeed, there was a certain lack of originality.
However, it's not necessarily a good thing just to be different.
No... quite, there is equal humor
In the conventional.
But on the other hand, is it what the public wants?
I mean, with the new permissiveness
Not to mention the balance of payments
And the undeniable fact that...
I agree with that completely.
That's it, I'm getting out of this show
Before it's too late.
Too late!
It's... ah!
Monty python's flying circus.
Have you finished in there yet?
"dear sir, I object strongly
"to the obvious lavatorial turn this show has already taken.
"why do we never hear about the good things in britain
"like mary bignall's wonderful jump in 1964?
Yours etc., ken voyeur."
"dear sir, I object strongly
"to the obvious athletic turn this show has now taken.
"why can't we hear more about the human body?
"there is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body
Except for the intestines and bits of the bottom."
"dear sir, I object strongly to the letters on your program.
"they are clearly not written by the general public
"and are merely included for a cheap laugh.
Yours etc., william knickers."
That was absolutely revolting.
Nasty. disgusting. rubbish.
I, too, take strong exception
To this resurgence of cheap jokes about poo-poos.
Mr. voyeur's letter stated very... oh... um... excuse me.
As I was saying, the letter previously read made quite clear
The view of a great majority...
1348... the black death, typhus, cholera
Consumption, bubonic plague...
Ah, those were the days.
Now, I'm not... I'm...
Now, I'm not prepared to go on with this
Unless these interruptions cease-- all right?
Right.
The devastating effect
Of these...
No, don't follow me, and don't zoom in on me.
No, I'm off, I'm off.
That's it, that's all.
I'm off.
Are you nervy, irritable, depressed, tired of life?
Keep it up.
This house is surrounded.
I'm afraid I must not ask anyone
To leave the room.
No, I must ask nobody...
No, I must ask everybody...
To... I must not ask
Anyone to leave...
No one must be asked by me to leave room...
No, no one must ask the room to leave i.
I ask the room, shall my someone be left?
Not... ask nobody the room
Somebody leave shall i?
Shall I leave the room?
Everyone must leave the room as it is...
With them in it.
Understand?
You don't want anybody to leave the room.
Now, alduce me to introlow myself.
I'm sorry... alself me to myduce introlow...
Introme to-lose mylow.
Alme to you introself my...
Excuse me a moment.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.
Allow me to introduce myself: I'm inspector tiger.
Tiger?
Where, where?!
Me tiger...
You jane.
Beg your pardon.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.
Why not?
Elementary.
Since the body was found in this room
And no one has left it
Therefore the murderer must be somebody
In this room.
What body?!
Somebody...
In this room must the murderer be.
The murderer of the body
Is somebody in this room
Which nobody must leave.
Leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody.
Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody.
Anybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the room-body.
Take the tablets, tiger.
Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody.
Nobody leaves the body in the...
Albody me introbody al...
Now for sir gerald.
That's better.
Now, I'm inspector tiger
And I must ask that nobody leave the room.
Now, someone has committed a murder here
And that murderer is someone in this room.
The question is... who?
Look, there hasn't been a murder.
No murder?
No.
Oh.
I don't like it.
It's too simple
Too clear-cut.
I'd better wait.
No, too simple, too clear-cut.
By jove
He was right!
This house is surrounded.
I must ask that no one leave the room.
I'm chief superintendent lookout.
Lookout?
What? where?
Oh, me... lookout.
Lookout of the yard.
Why? what would we see?
Sorry?
Well, what will we see if we look out of the yard?
I'm afraid I don't follow that at all.
Aha! the body.
So, the murderer must be somebody in this room...
Unless he had very long arms...
Say 30 or 40 feet.
I think we can discount that one.
"look out of the yard"!
Very good.
Right... now we'll reconstruct the crime.
I'll sit down here.
Constable, you turn off the lights.
Good.
Now, then...
There was a scream...
Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot.
All right, all right.
The house is surrounded
And nobody leave the room
And all the rest of it.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm assistant chief constable theresamanbehindyer.
Theresamanbehindyer?
Oh, you're not going to catch me
With an old one like that.
Right... let's reconstruct the crime.
Constable, you be inspector tiger.
Right, sir.
Nobody leave the room I shall.
Somebody I leave nobody in the room-body
Shall... take the tablets, tiger buddy.
Alself me...
Very good... just sit down there.
Very good, thank you.
Right.
Now, we'll pretend
The lights have gone out.
Constable, you scream.
Somebody shoots you.
And the door opens.
Nobody move.
I am chief constable fire.
Fire?
Where, where?
We're interrupting this sketch
But we'll be bringing you back
The moment anything interesting happens.
Meanwhile, here are some friends of mine.
"dear sir.
"I'm sorry this letter is late.
"it should have come at the beginning of the program.
Yours, ivor bigbottie, age two."
From the plastic arts, we turn to football.
Last night in the stadium of light, jarrow
We witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition
When jarrow united came of age, in a european sense
With an almost proustian display
Of modern existentialist football
Virtually annihilating by midfield moral argument
The now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy
Of signor alberto fanfrino.
Bologna indeed were a side intellectually out-argued
By a jarrow team thrusting and bursting
With aggressive kantian positivism
And outstanding in this fine jarrow team
Was my man of the match
The arch-thinker, free-scheming
Scarcely-ever-to-be-curbed midfield cognoscento
Jimmy buzzard.
Good evening, brian.
Jimmy, at least one aging football commentator
Was gladdened last night by the sight of an english footballer
Breaking free of the limpid tentacles
Of packed mediterranean defense.
Good evening, brian.
Were you surprised
At the way the italians ceded midfield dominance
So early on in the game?
Well, brian...
I'm opening a boutique.
This is of course symptomatic of a new breed of footballer
As it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of player
Is it not?
Good evening, brian.
What I'm getting at, jimmy
Is you seem to have discovered a new concept
With the mode with which you dissected the italian defense
Last night.
I hit the ball first time
And there it was in the back of the net.
Do you think jarrow will adopt
A more defensive posture
For the first leg of the next tie in turkey?
I hit the ball first time
And there it was in the back of the net.
Yes, yes, but have you any plans
For dealing with the free-scoring turkish forwards?
Well, brian...
I'm opening a boutique.
And now let's take a look
At the state of play in the detective sketch.
Ourself me to introlow my body.
Cheeky.
Oh, temper, temper.
Well, some of us don't like
Having men crawling over us the whole time.
You need to take
All the opportunities you can get, dear.
Unlike some people I can mention
I'm quite happily married, thank you.
Yes, athena, I've been tearing up in the garden.
Hello, good evening, and welcome
To yet another edition of "interesting people."
And my first interesting person tonight is
The highly interesting mr. howard stools
From kendal in westmoreland.
Good evening, mr. stools.
Hello, david.
Mr. stools, what makes you
Particularly interesting?
Well, I'm only half an inch long.
Well, that's extremely interesting.
Thank you for coming along on the show tonight, mr. stools.
I thought you'd think that was interesting, david, in fact...
Mr. howard stools from kendal in westmoreland, half an inch long.
Our next guest tonight has come all the way from egypt.
He's just flown into london today.
He's mr. ali bayan-- he's with us in the studio tonight
And he's stark raving mad.
Mr. ali bayan, stark raving mad.
Now it's time for our music spot
And we turn the spotlight tonight
On the rachel toovey bicycle choir...
With their fantastic arrangement of "men of harlech"
For bicycle bells only.
Keep, my babe, no ill betide thee
All through the night.
The rachel toovey bicycle choir.
Really interesting.
Remember, if you're interesting
And want to appear on this program
Write your name and address on your telephone number
And send it to this address.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now here's an interesting person.
Apart from being a full-time stapling machine
He can also give a cat influenza.
You can't get more interesting than that, or can you?
With me now... with me now
Is mr. thomas walters of west hartlepool
Who is totally invisible.
Good evening, mr. walters.
Over here, hughie.
Mr. walters, are you sure you're invisible?
Oh, yes, most certainly.
Well, mr. walters, what's it like being invisible?
Well, for a start, at the office where I work
I can be sitting at my desk all day
And the others totally ignore me.
At home, even though we are in the same room
My wife does not speak to me for hours.
People pass me by in the street without a glance in my direction
And I can walk
Into a room without...
Well, whilst we've got interesting people
We met mr. oliver cavendish who...
Even now you yourself do hardly notice me...
Mr. oliver cavendish of leicester
Who claims to be able to recite the entire bible in one second
Whilst being struck on the head with a large ax.
Ha, ha, wow!
We've since discovered that he was a fraud.
He did not... yes, a fraud.
He did not in fact recite the entire bible.
He merely recited the first two words, "in the"
Before his death.
And now it's time for "interesting sport"
And this week it's all-in cricket
Live from the municipal baths, croydon.
All-in cricket, great, great!
With me now is mr. ken dove
Twice voted most interesting man in dorking.
Ken, I believe you're interested in shouting.
Yes, I'm interested in shouting, all right.
By jove, you certainly hit the nail on the head
With that particular observation of yours then.
What does your wife think of this?
I agree with him!
Shut up!
At parties, for instance
People never come up to me.
I just sit there and everybody totally...
Now, that is tiddles, I believe.
Um, yes, this is... this is tiddles.
Yeah, and what does she do?
She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water.
By herself?
Uh, no, I fling her.
Well, that's extremely interesting.
Ladies and gentlemen, mr. don savage and tiddles.
I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat.
...for hour after hour after hour...
Yes, great.
Well, now for the first time on television
"interesting people" brings you
A man who claims he can send bricks to sleep by hypnosis.
Mr. keith maniac from guatemala.
Good evening.
Keith, you claim you can send bricks to sleep.
Yes, that is correct, I can.
Entirely by hypnosis.
Yes, I use no artificial means whatsoever.
Oh, oh, oh!
You've in jured mr. stools!
Well, I simply
Stare at the brick, and it goes to sleep.
Well, we have a brick here.
Keith, perhaps you could send it to sleep for us.
Oh, uh... well, I'm afraid that is already asleep.
Ha! how do you know?
Well, it's not moving.
Oh, I see.
Have we got a moving brick?
Yes, we've got
A moving brick, keith.
It's coming over now.
There we are, fast asleep.
Very good, very good indeed.
Yes, it's all done
With the eyes.
Yes, mr. keith maniac from guatemala.
Mr. stools!
Speak to me, howard!
And now four tired undertakers.
We're interrupting this
To take you back very quickly to the jimmy buzzard interview
Where we understand something exciting's just happened.
I've fallen off my chair, brian.
Shh! I think my wife's beginning to suspect.
You, shut up up there!
What do you mean, "shut up up there"?
You shut up.
Oh, shut up!
I apologize for that.
I think you'll find this a bit more interesting.
Good evening.
Tonight I want to examine
The whole question of 18th- century social legislation...
Its relevance
To the hierarchical structure of post-renaissance society...
And its impact on the future of parochial organization
In an expanding agrarian economy.
But first, a bit of fun.
To put england's social legislation
In a european context
Is professor gert van der whoops
Of the rijksmuseum in the hague.
In holland in the early part of the 15th century
There was three things important to social legislation.
One, rise of merchant classes
Two, urbanization of craft guilds
Three, declining moral values
In age of increasing social betterment.
But first, a bit of fun.
Ding, dong, merrily on high
In heav'n the bells are ringing.
Oh!
And now professor r.j. canning.
Glo-o-or...
The cat sat on the mat.
And now the battle of trafalgar.
Tonight we examine popular views of this great battle.
Was the battle of trafalgar fought
In the atlantic off southern spain
Or was it fought on dry land near cudworth in yorkshire?
Here is one man who thinks it was
And here is his friend.
What makes you think
The battle of trafalgar was fought near cudworth?
Because drake was too clever for the german fleet.
I beg your pardon?
I've forgotten what I said now.
Mr. gumby's remarkable views have sparked off
A wave of controversy amongst his fellow historians.
Well, I think we should, uh...
Reappraise our concept of the battle of trafalgar.
Well, well, I agree with everything mr. gumby says.
Well, uh, I think, uh, cement is more interesting
Uh, than people think.
One subject-- four different views.
12 and six in a plain wrapper.
The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof.
Pearl harbor.
There are pages in history's book
Which are written on the grand scale--
Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike.
And such is the battle of pearl harbor
Reenacted for us now
By the women of the batley townswomen's guild.
Mrs. rita fairbanks, you organized
This reconstruction of the battle of pearl harbor.
Why?
Uh, well, always been extremely interested in modern drama.
We were, of course, the first townswomen's guild to perform
"camp on blood island," and last year, of course
We did our extremely popular reenactment
Of "nazi war atrocities."
And so, this year
We thought we'd like to do something in a lighter vein.
So you chose the battle of pearl harbor?
Yes, that's right, we did.
Well, I can see you're all ready to go
So I'll just wish you good luck
In your latest venture.
Thank you very much, young man.
Ladies and gentlemen
"the world of history" is proud to present
The premiere of the batley townswomen's guild
Reenactment of "the battle of pearl harbor."
The battle of pearl harbor.
Incidentally, I'm sorry if I got a little bit shirty
Earlier on in the program, when I kept getting interrupted
By all these films and things that kept coming in, but i...
"we shall..."
"heretofore shall this soul be received unto..."
And so I said if it happened again
I'd get very angry and talk to lord hill, and...
Tell lord hill.
Whoa!
It's...
Monty python's flying circus.
I know you're down there.
Hey, did you see that?
Hmm?
Did you see somebody go past the window?
What?
Somebody just went past the window, that way.
Oh.
Another one.
Hmm?
Another one just went past downwards.
What?
Two people have just fallen
Out of that window to their almost certain death.
Fine, fine, fine.
Look!
Two people...
Three people
Have just fallen
Past that window.
Must be a board meeting.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, that was wilkins of finance.
Oh, no, that was robertson.
Wilkins.
Robertson.
Wilkins.
Robertson.
That was wilkins.
He was a good, uh, good golfer, wilkins.
Very good golfer, very good golfer.
Rotten at finance.
It'll be parkinson next.
Bet you it won't.
How much?
What?
How much do you bet it won't?
Fiver?
All right.
Done.
You're on.
Fine.
Come on, parky.
Don't do it, parky.
Jump, parky, jump. come on, now, be sensible, parky.
Dear sir, I am writing to complain
About that sketch about people falling out of a high building.
I have worked all my life in such a building
And have never once...
Parkinson!
Johnson!
My god, this is terrible!
Would somebody please stop it?!
Lord knows that.
Let's try it this way.
Alakazam!
Alacadabra! alakazam!
Alacadabra...
Hello!
tonight, spectrum looks at one of the major problems
In the world today--
The whole vexed question of what is going on.
Is there still time to confront it
Let alone solve it, or is it too late?
What are the figures, what are the facts?
What do people mean when they talk about things?
Alexander hardacre of the economic affairs bureau.
In this graph
This column represents 23% of the population.
This column represents 28% of the population
And this column represents 43% of the population.
Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you?
What do they mean to me?
What do they mean to the average man in the street?
With me now is professor tiddles of leeds university.
Professor, you've spent many years researching into things.
What do you think?
I think it's too early to tell.
Too early to tell, too early to say.
It means the same thing.
The word "say" is the same as the word "tell."
They're not spelled the same, but they mean the same.
It's an identical situation we have with "ship" and "boat"
But not the same as we have with "bow" and "bough"--
Different spellings and meanings, but sound the same.
But the real question remains:
What is the solution, if any, to this problem?
What can we do? what am I saying?
Why am I sitting in this chair?
Why am I here and what will I say next?
Here to answer this is a professional cricketer.
I can say nothing at this point.
You were wrong. professor?
Hello.
So, where do we stand? where do we sit?
Where do we come? where do we go?
What do we do? what do we say?
What do we eat? what do we drink?
What do we think? what do we do?
Sorry!
Hello.
Mr. and mrs. johnson, isn't it?
That's right, yes.
Well, come on in.
Excuse me not shaking hands
But I've just been putting
A bit of lard on the cat's boil.
Very nice.
Well, you must be tired.
It's a long drive
From coventry, isn't it?
Yes, well, we usually reckon on 51/2 hours
And it took us six hours and 53 minutes
With a 25-minute wait at frampton cottrell
To stretch our legs
Only we had to wait half an hour
To get on to the m5 near droitwich.
Really?
There was
A three-mile queue just before bridgwater on the a38
Only normally we come round on the b3339
Just before bridgwater, you see.
Really?
We risked it
Because they say
They're going to widen it there.
Are they?
Just there
At the intersection where the a372 joins up
There's plenty of room to widen it there.
There's only the grass verges.
They could get another six feet
Knock down that hospital.
Then we took the coast road through williton
And got all the taunton traffic on the a358
From crowcombe and stogumber.
Well, you must be dying for a cup of tea.
Well, wouldn't say "no," not if it's warm and wet.
Well, come on in the lounge.
I'm just about to serve afternoon tea.
Very nice.
Come on in, mr. and mrs. johnson.
Oh, this is
Mr. and mrs. phillips.
Good afternoon.
It's their third year with us.
We can't keep you away, can we?
And over here
Is mr. hilter.
Ah, good time, good afternoon.
Planning a little excursion
Are we, mr. hilter?
uh, ja, ja!
We make a little...
was ist ruckweise bewegen?
"hike."
Hiking.
We make a little hike for...
For bideford.
Oh, well, you'll be wanting the a39 then.
No, no, you've got the wrong map there.
This is stalingrad.
You want the ilfracombe
And barnstaple section.
Ah, hein... reginald
You have the wrong map here
You silly old leg-before-wicket english person.
i'm sorry, mein fuhrer.
I did not...
mein dickie, old chum.
Lucky mr. johnson
Pointed that out, eh?
You wouldn't have had much fun
In stalingrad, would you?
I said you wouldn't have had much fun
In stalingrad, would you?
Not much fun in stalingrad, no.
Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't introduce you.
This is ron... ron ribbentrop.
Oh, not von ribbentrop?
nein! nein! nein!
Oh... no, he different other chap.
No, I in somerset am being born.
Von ribbentrop is born in gotterammerstrasse 46
Dusseldorf, west eight...
So they say!
And this is the quiet one, mr. bimmler.
Heimlich bimmler.
How do you do there, squire?
Also I am not minehead lad
But I in peterborough, lincolnshire house
Was given birth to
But stay in peterborough, lincolnshire house
All during war, owing to nasty running sores
And was unable to go in the streets
play fussball or go to nurnberg.
I am retired window cleaner and pacifist
Without doing war crimes.
And am very glad england win world cup
Bobby charlton and martin peters
And eating lots of chips and fish
And toad in the holes
And dundee cake on piccadilly line
Don't you know, old chap
And was head of gestapo for ten years...
Five years!
oh! no, no, nein
I was not head of gestapo at all.
I make joke.
Oh, mr. bimmler
You do have us on.
Oh, excuse me
I must just go and answer that.
Uh, how long you down here for, mr. hilter?
Just the fortnight?
Why do you ask that?
You a spy or something?
Get over there against the wall, britischer pig.
You're going to die.
Take it easy, dickie, old chum.
I'm sorry, mr. johnson.
He's a bit on edge.
He hasn't slept since 1945.
Shut your cake hole, you nazi.
cool it, fuhrer cat.
The fun we have.
Haven't I seen him
On the television?
nicht, nein, nein... oh, no.
Television doctor?
No! no!
Telephone, mr. hilter.
It's that nice mr. mcgoering
From the bell and compasses.
He says he's found a place
Where you can hire bombers by the hour.
If he opens his big mouth again, it's lampshade time!
Shut up!
Hire bombers by the hour.
What a laugh he is, that scottish person!
Good old norman.
He's on the telephone the whole time nowadays.
In business, is he?
Soon, baby.
Course, it's his big day, thursday.
Oh, they've been planning it for months.
What happens then?
Oh, it's the north minehead by-election.
Mr. hilter's standing as a national bocialist candidate.
He's got wonderful plans for minehead.
Like what?
Well, for a start
He wants to annex poland.
Oh, north minehead's
Conservative, isn't it?
Well, they get a lot of people at their rallies.
Rallies?
Well, their bocialist meetings
Down at the axis cafe in rosedale road.
achtung, achtung!
uber alles!
die eltern im mittelalter und die jungen
alles muss mit dem mittelschmerz gestoppen sein!
I... am not a racialist...
but-- und this is a big "but"--
We in the national bocialist party believe
das uberleben...
muss gestammen sein mit der schneakyarmstrong-jones.
historische taunton ist volkermeinig von meinhead.
Mr. hitler...
Hilter... he says that historically
Taunton...
Is part of minehead already.
He's right, do you know that?
und bridgwater ist die letzte fuhlung
das wir haben in somerset!
sieg heil! sieg heil!
What do you think of mr. hilter's policies?
Well, I don't like the sound
Of these here boncentration bamps.
Well, I gave him my baby to kiss and he bit it on the head.
Well, I think he'd do a lot of good for the stock exchange.
No, no.
Oh, yes, britischer pals
he is wunderbar... ful, ja.
I think he's right about the coons
But then I'm a bit mental.
I think he's got beautiful legs.
Well, speaking as conservative candidate
I just drone on and on and on and on
Never letting anyone else get a word in edgewise
Until I start foaming at the mouth
And falling over backwards.
Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards.
Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards
Or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth?
tonight's spectrum examines the whole question
Of frothing and falling, coughing and calling
Screaming and bawling, walling and stalling
Galling and mauling, palling and hauling
Trawling and squalling and zalling.
Zalling? is there a word "zalling?"
If there is, what does it mean?
If there isn't, what does it mean?
Perhaps both, maybe neither.
What do I mean by the word "mean"?
What do I mean by the word "word"?
What do I mean by "what do I mean?"
What do I mean by "do" and what do I do by "mean"?
What do I do by do by do?
And what do I mean by wasting your time like this? good night.
Good night.
Good evening, I wish to report a burglary.
Speak up, please, sir.
I wish to report a burglary.
I can't hear you, sir.
I wish to report a burglary!
That's a little bit too loud.
Could you say it
Just a little less loud than that?
I wish to report a burglary!
No, I'm still not getting anything.
Uh, could you try it in a higher register?
What do you mean, in a higher register?
What?
I wish to report a burglary.
That's it, wait a moment.
Now, a little bit louder.
I wish to report a burglary!
Report a what?
Burglary!!
That's it, now keep it there.
Hello, sarge!
Evening, charlie.
I was sitting at home
With a friend of mine from camber sands
When we heard a noise in the bedroom!
We went to investigate and found £5,000 stolen!
Well, I'm afraid I'm off duty now, sir.
Uh, could you tell sergeant foster?
I was sitting at home
With a friend of mine from camber sands!
Excuse me, sir, but, uh, why the funny voice?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
I'd just got used to talking like that to the other sergeant.
I'm terribly sorry, I can't hear you, sir.
Could you try speaking in a lower register?
What? oh.
I wish to report the loss of £5,000.
£5,000? that's serious.
You'd better speak to the detective inspector.
What seems to be the trouble, sergeant?
Well, this gentleman, sir, has come in
To report that he was sitting at home with a friend
When he heard a noise in the back room
Went round to investigate
And found that £5,000 in savings had been stolen.
I see.
Where do you live, sir?
121 halliwell road, dulwich, se21.
Another halliwell road job, eh, sergeant?
Yes, I can't believe it.
I thought the bloke who'd done that
Was put inside last year.
Yes, in parkhurst.
Well, it must have been somebody else.
Thank you, sergeant.
We'll get things moving right away.
You take over here, sergeant.
Alert all squad cars in the area.
Hello, darling
I'm afraid I shall be late.
Calling all squad cars in the area.
I think that's in very bad taste.
Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way.
Good afternoon, and welcome to hurlingham park.
You join us just as the competitors are running out
Onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here
With the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain.
Well, it certainly looks
As though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport
In this, the 127th "upper-class twit of the year" show.
Well, the competitors will be off any moment
So let me just identify them for you.
Vivian smith-smythe-smith has o-level in chemo-hygiene.
Simon-zinc-trumpet-harris
Married to a very attractive table lamp.
Nigel incubator-jones-- his best friend is a tree
And in his spare time, he's a stockbroker.
Gervaise brook-hampster is in the guards
And his father uses him as a wastepaper basket.
And finally, oliver st. john- mollusc, harrow and the guards
Thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit.
Now they're moving out to the starting line.
There's a jolly good crowd here today.
Now they're under starter's orders
And...
They're off!
Oh, no, they're not.
No, they didn't realize they were supposed to start.
Never mind, we'll soon sort that out.
The judge is explaining it to them now.
I think nigel and gervaise have got the idea.
All set to go.
Oh, and they're off.
And it's a fast start this year.
Oliver st. john-mollusc running a bit wide there
And now they're coming into their first test--
The straight line.
They've got to walk along this straight line
Without falling over.
And oliver's over at the back there...
Uh, simon's coming through quite fast on the outside.
I think simon and nigel...
Both of them coming through very fast.
There's nigel there, number three, I'm sorry.
And on the outside, there's gervaise
Coming through just out of shot.
And now, the positions:
Simon and vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump--
Three layers of matchboxes to clear.
And simon's over and vivian's over beautifully.
Oh, the jump of a lifetime--
If only his father could understand.
Here's nigel... he's confused.
No, gervaise is over.
He's, uh... nigel is over...
He's only just hit the top.
And now it's gervaise.
Gervaise is going to jump.
Is it... no, he's jumped the wrong way.
There he goes.
Nigel's over beautifully.
Now it's only oliver, oliver and gervaise...
Oh, bad luck.
And now it's "kicking the beggar."
Simon's there, and he's putting the boot in
And not terribly hard
But he's going down, so simon can move on.
Now vivian's there.
Vivian is there and waiting for a chance.
Here he comes.
Oh, a real pile driver, a real pile driver.
And now simon's at number one; vivian, two;
Nigel, three; gervaise at four; and oliver bringing up the rear.
Uh... there's oliver, there's oliver now.
He's at the back.
I think he's having a little trouble
With his old brain in jury.
He's going to have a go...
No, no, bad luck.
He's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy.
He doesn't know when he's winning either.
He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus known to man.
He's now standing up... oh, bad luck.
Oh, there's gervaise putting the boot in there.
There's no need for him to do this.
He's got the beggar down.
The steward's giving him a little bit of advice.
Yes, he can move on now.
He can move on to the hunt photograph.
There's gerv... I think he's... yes, he's off.
Gervaise is there, and oliver's still at the back
Having trouble with the matchboxes.
Now, here's the hunt ball photograph.
And the first here is simon.
He's going to en joy a joke with lady arabella plunkett.
She hopes to go into films.
And vivian's through there
And nigel's there en joying a joke
With lady sarah pencil farthing vivian steamroller
Adams pie biscuit aftershave gore stringbottom smith.
And there's... and there's simon now in the sports car.
He's reversed into the old woman.
He's caught her absolutely beautifully.
Now he's going to accelerate forward there
To wake up the neighbor.
There's vivian, I think... no, vivian's lost his keys...
No, there's vivian!
He's got the old woman, slowly but surely
Right in the midriff, and here he is.
Here he is to wake up the neighbor now.
Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead
But he can't get this neighbor woken up.
He's slamming away there as best he can.
He's getting absolutely no reaction at all.
There! there, he's woken him up and simon's through.
Here comes vivian... vivian to slam the door.
And there we are back at the hunt ball.
I think that's gervaise.
Yes, that's gervaise going through there.
And here... here comes oliver, brave oliver.
Is he going to make it to the table?
No, I don't think he is.
Yes, he is.
Oh! what a great twit!
And the crowd are really rising to him there.
And there, I can see... who is that there?
Yes, that's nigel.
Nigel has woken the neighbor.
My god, this is exciting!
Nigel's very excited, he's going through.
Here comes gervaise.
Gervaise... oh, no, this is, uh...
Out in the front there is simon
Who is supposed to insult the waiter
And he's forgotten.
And oliver has run himself over.
What a great twit!
And there... now here comes vivian.
Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him
And he is humiliating him there.
And he's gone into the lead.
Simon's not with him.
No, vivian's... has hit the bar.
Now they've got to get over this bar.
This is extremely difficult
As it requires absolutely expert coordination
Between mind and body.
No, they're hitting it there.
Here we go again.
Simon's fallen backwards.
Here's nigel, and he's tripped.
Nigel has tripped, and he's under
And simon fails again.
Now here is gervaise, going to jump through
And simon is through by accident.
Here's gervaise to be the last one over.
Here we are.
Here's nigel right at the head of the field
And now he's going to shoot the rabbit.
These rabbits have been tied to the ground
And they're going to be a bit frisky.
And this is only a one-day event.
And they're blazing away there.
They're not getting quite the results that they might.
Gervaise is in there
Trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle.
And I think nigel's in there with his bare hands
But they're not getting the results they might
But it is a little bit misty today
And they must be shooting from a range of at least a foot.
But there's a couple of hits there, I think.
Yes, they've had a couple of hits
And the whole field is up again and here they are.
They're coming up to the debs--
Gervaise first, vivian second, simon third.
And now they've got to take the bras off from the front.
This is really difficult.
This is really the most difficult part
Of the entire competition.
And they're having a bit of trouble in there, I think.
They're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited
And I think some of the twits are getting rather excited, too.
But anyway, vivian is there, vivian is coming through.
Simon's in second place and... oh, there's oliver.
He's dead, but he's not necessarily out of it.
There goes nigel.
No, he's lost something.
And gervaise running through to this final obstacle.
Now, all they have to do here to win the title is
To shoot themselves.
Simon has a go-- bad luck, he misses.
Nigel misses.
Now, there's gervaise, and gervaise has shot himself.
Gervaise is upper-class twit of the year.
There's nigel-- he's shot simon by mistake.
Simon is second and there's nigel.
Nigel's shot himself.
Nigel is third in this fine
And most exciting upper-class twit of the year I've ever seen.
Wait-- nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place.
And so the final result: the upper-class twit of the year--
Gervaise brook-hampster of kensington and weybridge;
Runner-up-- vivian smith- smythe-smith of kensington;
And third-- nigel incubator- jones of henley.
Well, there'll certainly be some car door slamming
In the streets of kensington tonight.
Dear sir, how splendid it is
To see the flower of british manhood
Wiping itself out with such pluck and tenacity.
Britain need have no fear with leaders of this caliber.
If only a few of the so-called working classes
Would destroy themselves so sportingly.
Yours, etc.
Brigadier mainwaring smith smith smith, etc.
(deceased, etc.)
P.s., etc. come on, other ranks, show your stuff.
Yes, sir, I'll do me best, sir!
No, not good enough.
No, still not good enough.
Yes, that's better.
Hallelu jah, hallelu jah...
Okay, all clear.
Now, I understand
That you want to marry my daughter.
That's right, yeah, yeah.
Yes, you realize, of course
That rosamund is still rather young?
Daddy, you make me feel like a child.
Oh, yeah, you know...
Get them when they're young, eh... eh?
You know what I mean?!
I'm sure you know what I mean, mister...
Uh... shabby, ken shabby.
Mr. shabby, I just want to make sure
That you'll be able to look after my daughter.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'll be able to look after her, all right, sport.
Eh? you know what I mean, eh?
And, uh...
What job do you do?
I clean out public lavatories.
Is there a promotion involved?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
After five years, they give me a brush.
I'm sorry, squire, I've gobbed on your carpet.
And, uh... where are you going to live?
Well, round at my gran's.
She trains polecats
But most of them have suffocated
So there should be a bit of spare room in the attic, eh?
Know what I mean?
I see.
And when do you expect to get married?
Oh, right away, sport, right away, you know?
I haven't had it for weeks.
Well, look, I'll phone the bishop
And see if we can get the abbey.
Oh, diarrhea.
the story so far...
rosamund's father has become ensnared
by mr. shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism.
bob and janet ha ve eaten mr. farquar's goldfish
during an oxfam lunch
and mrs. elsmore's marriage is threatened
by doug's insistence that he is
on a different level of consciousness.
louise's hernia has been confirmed
and jim, bob's brother, has run over the editor of the lancet
on his wa y to see jenny, a freelance pagoda designer.
on the other side of the continent
napoleon still broods over the smoldering remains
of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer
whilstmary, roger's half-sister
settles down to watch television.
there now follows a party political broadcast
on behalf of the wood party.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly
That the present weak drafting of the local government bill
Leaves a lot to be desired
And we intend to fight.
Hello?
Hello?!
I'm afraid the minister's fallen through the earth's crust.
Excuse me a moment.
Hello?
Hello.
Are you all right, minister?
I appear to have landed on this kind of ledge thing.
Shall we lower down one of the bbc ropes?
If you'd be so kind.
What length of bbc rope
Will we be likely to need?
I should use the longest bbc rope.
That would be a good idea, I would imagine.
Okey-doke, chief.
Tex, get the longest bbc rope and bring it here pronto.
In the meantime, since I am on all channels
Perhaps I'd better carry on with this broadcast
By shouting about our housing plans
From down here as best as I can.
Could someone throw me down a script?
The script would appear
To have landed on a different ledge
Somewhat out of my grasp, don't you know.
Well, perhaps when the rope reaches you, minister
You could kind of swing over
To the ledge and grab it.
Good idea.
Well, I'm going to carry on
If I can read the script.
Good evening.
We in the wood party...
Feel very strongly about...
The present weak drafting of the local government bill.
And... no, it's no good, it's not working.
I think I'll have to try and make a grab for it.
Ah! there we are.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly about the present...
Oh, dear.
Hello!
Look, I must look a bit of a chump
Hanging upside down like this.
Don't worry, minister.
I think, love, if we turn the picture upside down
We should help the minister, then.
Oh, good.
Look, I'm sorry about this.
There seems to be a few gremlins about.
I think I'd better start from the beginning.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly about...
Oh, bloody heck!
Oh!
Oh, dear.
Terribly sorry about this...
About saying "bloody heck" on all channels, but...
There's another script on the way down, minister.
Oh, good, good.
Well, um... good evening.
Well, how are you?
Oh, look, I don't want you to think of the wood party
As a load of old men that like hanging around on ropes
Only i... oh...
Thank you.
Good evening.
We in the wood party feel very strongly
About the present weak drafting...
Look, I think we'd better call it a day.
Is this the furthest distance
That a minister has fallen? robert.
Surprisingly not.
The canadian minister for external affairs
Fell nearly seven miles
During a liberal conference in ottawa about six years ago.
And then quite recently
The kenyan minister for agric. and fish
Fell nearly 12 miles
During a nairobi debate in parliament
Although this hasn't been ratified yet.
How far did the filipino cabinet fall last march?
Well, they fell nearly 39 miles
But it's not nearly so remarkable, as that was due
To their combined weight, of course, robert.
Yes, well, thank you, robert.
Well now, what are your reactions to all this? robert.
Well... well, robert
The main thing is that it's terribly exciting
Tremendously exciting.
You see, the minister is quite clearly lodged
Between rocks we know terribly little of, terribly little.
Of course, the main thing is we're getting color pictures
Of an extraordinarily high quality
Extraordinarily high quality.
But the important thing is...
The really exciting thing is
The minister will be bringing back samples of the earth's core
Which will give us a tremendous
Really tremendous, tremendous, tremendous clue
As to the origins of the earth and what god himself is made of.
Oh, oh, I needed that.
Thank you, robert.
Well, that seems to be
About all we have time for tonight
Unless anyone has anything else to say.
Has anyone anything else to say?
No.
Nope, nope.
No.
No!
No.
Bloody fairy.
No.
No!
Uh... no.
No.
nein... no.
No.
No, no, no, no.
What do we mean by "no"?
What do we mean by "yes"?
What do we mean by "no, no, no"?
tonight spectrum looks at the whole question of "what is no?"
It's...
There will now be a short intermission.
Monty python's flying circus.
There will now be a medium-sized intermission.
Not bad for a starter
But now perhaps something a little more savory.
Ooh, I don't like this, ooh, I don't like that.
Oh, I don't think much to all this.
Oh, fancy using that wallpaper.
Fancy using mustard.
Ooh, is that a proper one? ooh, it's not real.
I don't think it's a proper restaurant
Unless they give you finger bowls.
Ooh, I don't like him.
I'm going to have a baby in a few years.
Uh, please excuse my wife.
She may appear to be rather nasty
But underneath she has a heart of formica.
Sorry about that.
That's all right, sir, we get all sorts of lines in here.
The headwaiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments
And now, if you'll excuse me
I have to go and commit suicide.
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's all right.
It's not because of anything serious.
Oh, good.
Quite frankly, I'm against people who commit suicide.
I don't like that sort of person at all.
I'm plain people and I'm proud of it.
My mother's the salt of the earth
And I don't take the pill 'cause it's nasty.
Please excuse my wife
She may not be very beautiful
And she may have no money
And she may be a little talentless
Boring and dull, but on the other hand...
Sorry, I can't think of anything.
Fine... I'm the headwaiter.
This is a vegetarian restaurant only.
We serve no animal flesh of any kind.
We're not only proud of that
We're smug about it.
So, if you were to come in here
Asking me to rip open a small, defenseless chicken
So you could chew its skin and eat its intestines
I'm afraid I would have to ask you to leave.
No, no, no, no.
Likewise if you were to ask me
To slice the sides off a cow
And serve it with small pieces of its liver
Or, indeed, drain the lifeblood from a pig
Before cutting off one of its legs
Or carve the living giblets
From a sheep and serve them
With the fresh brains, bowels
Guts and spleen of a small rabbit
We wouldn't do it!
Not for food, anyway.
Quite frankly, I'm against people
Who give vent to their loquacity
By extraneous bombastic circumlocution.
Oh, I don't like that.
Sometimes, shirley, I think you're almost human.
Do you know I still wet my bed.
Once, I married someone who was beautiful
And young and gay and free.
Whatever happened to her?
You divorced her and married me.
I met my second wife
At a second-wife- swapping party.
Trust me to arrive late.
Always were late, weren't you, thompson?
Hello, headmaster.
What are you doing here?
Fine, fine, fine, thank you.
Fine, thank you.
No more sherry for me, don't you know.
Warner house beat badger house
For the second cuppa, remarkable.
We had to put most of the second form to sleep.
No padre-- bad business.
They were beginning to play with themselves.
Still... you haven't seen my wife anywhere, have you?
No. oh, thank
Oh, I don't like him.
Do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean? do you know what I mean?
I mean, do you know what I mean?
All men are the same.
Imagine not that these four walls
Contain the mighty owl of thebes
For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely
To them it can construe.
No, it doesn't.
Sorry.
Fine... would you care for a glass of blood?
Oh, what a giveaway.
No, we'd like to see the menu please.
I don't think it's a proper restaurant
Unless you have a proper menu
And anyway, i might be pregnant.
Perhaps you'd care for a drink?
Ever since you've married me, douglas
You've treated me
Like an albatross.
Evening.
Good evening.
I hope you're going
To en joy me this evening.
I'm the special.
Try me with some rice.
I beg your pardon?
A hopkins au gratin a la chef.
Ah, how do you?
Don't play with your food.
I don't like that.
There's dust on here.
I don't think it's a proper meal
Without pudding.
My husband's an architect.
Oh, one word of warning, sir, a little tip.
Don't have any of the vicar over there.
He's been here two weeks
And nobody's touched him-- enough said?
Yes, thank you.
Well, I must get on or I'll spoil.
Janet, to the kitchen.
There's a dead bishop in the lobby, sir.
I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.
Oh, I don't like that.
I think it's silly.
It's not a proper sketch
Without a proper punch line.
I mean, I don't know much about anything, I'm stupid.
I'm muggins, nobody cares what I think.
I'm always the one that has to do everything.
Nobody cares about me.
I'll have bloody babies
And they can bloody well care about me.
It makes you sick, half this television.
They never stop talking.
He'll be the ruination of her.
Rhythm method!
There will now be a whopping great intermission
During which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold.
Another way we can drive people away from the cinema
Is by showing you advertisements.
Do you like this?
Or how about this?
Or perhaps you prefer this latest model?
Then why not come to us?
We supply only the very best models.
After the show, why not visit the la gondola restaurant--
Just two minutes from this performance.
The manager, mr. luigi vercotti, will be pleased
To welcome you and introduce you
To a wide variety of famous sicilian delicacies.
Here you can relax in comfort in friendly surroundings.
Or if you wish, you may drink and dance till midnight.
At the la gondola restaurant
You can sample all the spicy pleasures of the mediterranean.
The headwaiter will be pleased to show you his specialities.
Or why not ask the cook for something really hot?
Yes, for an evening you'll never forget
It's the la gondola restaurant
Chelsea, parkhurst, dartmoor and the scrubs.
Albatross!
Albatross?
Two choc ices, please.
I haven't got choc ices.
I've only got the albatross.
Albatross!
What flavor is it?
It's a bird, isn't it?
It's a bloody seabird.
It's not any bloody flavor.
Albatross!
Do you get wafers with it?
Of course you don't
Get bloody wafers with it!
Albatross!
How much is it?
Nine pence.
I'll have two please.
Gannet on a stick.
There will now be a very short...
Well, that's quite enough of that.
And now a policeman near rottingdeans.
Albatross!
Inspector, inspector.
Mm-hmm.
I'm terribly sorry
But I was sitting on a park bench over there
Took my coat off for a minute
And then I found my wallet had been stolen
And £15 taken from it.
Well, did you, uh
Did you see anyone take it
Anyone hanging around or...
No, no, there was no one there at all.
That's the trouble.
Well, there's not very much
We can do about that, sir.
Oh.
Do you want to come back to my place?
Yeah, all right.
Albatross.
Mr. burtenshaw?
Me, doctor?
No, me doctor, you mr. burtenshaw.
My wife, doctor?
No, your wife patient--
Me doctor.
Come this way, please.
Me, sister?
No, she sister, me doctor
You mr. burtenshaw.
Dr. walters?
Me nurse.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She sister, you doctor.
No, doctor.
No doctor, call ambulance, keep warm.
Drink, doctor?
Drink doctor, eat sister
Cook mr. burtenshaw, nurse me.
You, doctor?
Me doctor.
You mr. burtenshaw.
She nurse.
But my wife, nurse.
Your wife not nurse.
She nurse, your wife patient.
Be patient, she nurse your wife.
Me doctor, yew tree.
Utrecht, utrillo
U thant, euphemism.
Me doctor.
Albatross!
I'd like to meet someone
Of superior intelligence.
I'd like to hear the sound
Of two bricks being bashed together.
I'd like to see
John the baptist's impersonation of graham hill.
Yes, it's historical impersonations
When you in the present can make
Those in the past stars of the future.
And here is your host for tonight, wally wiggin.
Hello, good evening, and welcome to historical impersonations.
And we kick off tonight with cardinal richelieu
And his impersonation of petula clark.
Oh, don't sleep in the subway, darling
Don't stand in the pouring rain...
Cardinal richelieu-- sixteen stone of pure man.
And now your favorite roman emperor, julius caesar
As eddie waring.
tota gallia divisa est in tres partes
Wigan, hunslett and hull kingston rovers.
Well done indeed, julius caesar--
A smile, a conquest and a dagger up your strap.
Our next challenger comes all the way from the crimea.
It's the very lovely florence nightingale as brian london.
And now for our most ambitious attempt tonight.
All the way from moscow in the u.s.s. of r., ivan the terrible
As a sales assistant in freeman, hardy and willis.
And now w.g. grace as a music box.
And now it's france's turn.
One of their top statesmen, napoleon, as the r-101 disaster.
And now it's request time.
I would like to see
John the baptist's impersonation of graham hill.
And now a short intermission
During which marcel marceau will impersonate
A man walking against the wind.
And now marcel will mime a man
Being struck about the head by a 16-ton weight.
What's your name?
Eric.
Would you like to have a 16-ton weight
Dropped on top of you, eric?
Don't know.
How about you?
I want to have...
What do you want to have?
I want to have...
What?
I want to have racquel welch...
Dropped on top of me.
Dropped on top of you?
Oh, yes, not climbing.
She's got a big bottom.
And what's your name?
Trevor atkinson.
And how old are you, trevor?
I'm 42.
Are you a friend of trevor's?
Yes, we're all colleagues
From the empire and general insurance company.
And what do you do?
Well, I deal mainly
With mortgage- protection policies
But I also do certain types of life assurance.
Now, if you and your pal had one big wish, trevor
What would you like to see on television?
I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police.
And so you shall.
Yes, we in the special crimes squad have been using wands
For almost a year now.
You find it's easy to make yourself invisible.
You can defy time and space
And you can turn violent criminals into frogs
Something which you could never do with the old truncheons.
Yes, tonight probearound takes a look at crime.
I'm sorry about that
But i always introduce this program, not him.
Yes, tonight probearound takes a look at crime.
Is it true that the police are using dachshunds
To combat the crime wave?
Can the head of the vice squad turn himself into an albatross
Whenever he wants to?
Just what are the police up to?
Oh, I'm up to page 39
Where peter pan first manifests himself.
With me now is inspector harry h. "snapper" organs
Of "h" division.
Good evening.
Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic
In the police force.
That is correct.
The criminal mind's
A strange, contorted one-- good evening.
The mind is subject to severe mental stresses--
Good evening.
Guilt fears abound-- good evening--
In the subconscious.
In this state, one of our lads
With a fair training in the black arts
Can scare the fertilizer out of them.
Just how are the police combating the increase
With the use of the occult?
Ex-king zog of albania reports.
Well, we seem to have lost ex-king zog there
But who cares?
Just what kinds of magic are the police introducing
Into their crime-prevention techniques?
U-p...
Y...
O...
U...
R...
S.
"up yours"!?
What a rude ouija board!
Now, this is the kind of thing
That gives the police a bad name, sergeant.
I know, sir.
Yes, beryl?
Attila the hun to see you, sir.
Who?
Attila the hun, sir.
Oh, botherkins!
Constable, go and see to him, will you?
What? in this dress?
Oh, all right, I'll go.
Oh, I've got a little green pinny I could wear.
No, no, no, I'll go.
You stay here.
Oh, goody! I can get on with the ironing.
Right... where is he?
Over there, sir.
All right, sergeant, leave this to me.
Now, then, sir, you are attila the hun.
That's right, yes, a.t. hun.
My parents were mr. and mrs. norman hun
But they had a little joke when I was born.
Yes... well, mr. hun...
Oh, call me "the," for heaven's sake!
Oh... well, the, what do you want to see us about?
I've come to give myself up.
What for?
Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.
I beg your pardon?
Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city
And I'd like 9,000 other charges
To be taken into consideration, please.
I say, excuse me, mr. hun.
Have you any objection to taking a breath test?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Right-- sergeant, will you bring the analyzer, please?
Here we are, sir.
How's it work?
Well, if he breathes into it, sir
And the white crystals turn lime green
Then he is attila the hun, sir.
I see-- well, would you mind breathing
Into this, mr. hun?
Right.
What if nothing happens, sergeant?
He's alexander the great, sir!
Aha! caught you, mr. a.t. great!
Oh, curses, curses!
I thought I was safe, disguised as attila the hun.
O-ho, perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake.
You see, this wasn't a hunalyzer.
It was an alexander- the-greatalyzer.
Take him away, beryl!
"dear sir, I object very strongly to that last scene
And to the next letter."
"dear sir, I object to being objected to
"by the last letter
"before my drift has become apparent.
"I spent many years in india during the last war
"and am now a part-time notice board
"in a prominent public school.
"yours etc., brigadier zoe la rue (deceased).
P.s. aghhh!"
"dear sir, when I was at school
"I was beaten regularly every 30 minutes
"and it never did me any harm--
"except for psychological maladjustment
"and blurred vision.
Yours truly, flight lieutenant ken frankenstein (mrs.)."
Huh?
I want to see the doctor.
Dr. larch, there's a mr. phelps to see you.
Uh, nurse?
Yes?
You don't think you should make it clear
That I'm a psychiatrist?
What?
Well, I could be any type of doctor.
Well, I can't come in and say "psychiatrist larch"
Or "dr. larch, who is a psychiatrist."
Oh, anyway, look, it's written on the door.
That's outside.
Well, I don't care.
You'll just have to do it yourself.
Hello?
No, wrong number, I'm afraid.
This is a psychiatrist speaking.
Next, please.
Come in.
Bow wow wow.
Ah, mr. phelps-- come on in, take a seat.
Now, what seems to be the matter?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry?
Oh, can't you do better than that?
I mean, it's so predictable.
I've seen it a million times.
Knock, knock, knock; "come in;
Ah, mr. phelps, take a seat."
I've seen it and seen it.
Well, look, will you please sit down
And do your first line?
No, no, I've had enough.
I've had enough.
I can't even get it started.
Albatross!
Shut up!
Oh, it drives me mad.
A mad psychiatrist, that'd be new-- huh!
Next, please.
C... oh.
Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress
Gain admittance, infiltrate.
Ah, mr. notlob, uh, park your hips
On the sitting device.
It is a mad psychiatrist.
I'm not, I'm not!
Come on in, take a seat.
What's... what's the matter?
Now, what's the matter?
Well, I keep hearing
Guitars playing and people singing
When there's no one around.
Yes, well, this is not at all uncommon.
In certain mental states we find
That auditory hallucinations occur
Which are of a most...
We can stay all day
We're going to the zoo...
Is that "we're all going to the zoo tomorrow"?
Yes, yes.
Is it always that?
No.
Well, that's something.
But it's mainly folk songs.
Last night I had "we'll never fall in love again"-- for six hours!
Well, look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this.
I want you to see a colleague of mine
A specialist in these sort of things
Who has an office very much like this one
As a matter of fact.
Ooh...
Um, no, no, wrong number.
I'm a colleague of his--
A surgeon who specializes in these kind of things.
Yes, thank you very much.
Next, please.
Come in.
Ah, come in, please take a seat.
My colleague, who has a similar office
Has explained your case to me.
Mr. notlob, as you know
I am a leading harley street surgeon...
As seen on television.
I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate.
It's nothing to worry about--
Although it is extremely dangerous.
I shall be juggling with your life.
I shall be playing ducks and drakes
With your very existence.
I shall be running me mitts over the pith of your marrow--
Yes, these hands
These fingers
These sophisticated organs of touch, these bunches of five
These maulers, these german bands
That have pulled many a moribund unfortunate
Back from the very brink of lazarus's box.
No, it was pandora's box, wasn't it?
Well, anyway, these mitts have earned yours truly
A lot of bread, so if you'll just step through here
I'll slit you up a treat.
What?
Mr. notlob, there's nothing wrong with you
That an expensive operation can't prolong.
Right, I'm ready to make the incision.
Knife, please, sister.
What's that supposed to be?
Give me a big one.
Oh, I do en joy this!
Right.
Oh, what a great slit!
Now, gentlemen, I am going to open the slit.
...all day
Too much, man!
Groovy, great scene.
Great light show, baby.
What are you doing in there?
We're doing our own thing, man.
Have you got mr. notlob's permission
To be in there?
We're squatters, baby.
Nurse, wake him up.
Don't get uptight, man.
Join the scene and other phrases.
Money isn't real.
It is where I'm standing
And it blows my mind, young lad.
Good lord! is that a nude woman?
She's doing an article on us
For nova, man.
Hi, everyone.
Are you part of the scene?
Are you rolling your own jelly babies in there?
What's going on? who are they?
That's what we're trying to find out.
What are they doing in my stomach?
We don't know-- are they paying you any rent?
Course they're not paying me rent!
You're not furnished, you fascist.
Get them out!
I can't.
Get them out!
No, I can't--
Not, not without a court order.
Shut up, you're keeping us awake.
You are hereby ordered
To vacate mr. notlob forthwith and/or.
Push off, fuzz!
Right-- that's it, we're going in!
Release the vicious dogs.
What a terrible way to end a series.
Why couldn't it end with something like this?
Smile.
Now, there's an ending for you-- romance, laughter...
When this series returns
It will be put out on monday morning as a test card
And will be described by the radio times
As a history of irish agriculture.